You might remember this day today, one year ago. One of the founders of Pain'n Passion died in a car accident. One year has passed and life was going on. Life is still going on. It always does.
But yet the memory remains.
A good friend wrote a few words, and I would like to take this opportunity to post them right here. It's a bit lengthy, but it's worth reading.


Remembrance
By Michael McCray

A close friend said to me once "You will come upon many struggles in life. It is through these struggles that life teaches you things, and you will learn that everything and everyone finds a way to go on." It is amazing to me how human beings such as myself and other people love to meet new and wonderful people and become their friends in our lives. Human beings love to experience this thing called life. We enjoy another person's company and are proud to have them in our life. They teach us things like guidance, patience and love. Family is one thing, we are born into that and it gives us the tools that we use to meet someone and the skills to talk with them. Friends are different. They are people who see something in us. They find something in us and enjoy having it in their lives. We enjoy having them in ours and treasure the time we spend with them. People wait for the next time, when they see that friend again. They live for that tomorrow, but what if there is no tomorrow? What if that was the last time, we are able to see them? What if that was the last time to talk to them, to hear their voice, or to feel their firm hand on our shoulder? What if it was their time to die or to pass on? *Sigh*

I sometimes sit in the darkness and wonder, in the late hours of the night, "Would our lives be better if we did not let ourselves become someone's friend? Would that spare us the pain of losing them? What if we built impenetrable walls around our hearts and discarded the social skills that we have? When we do that, can we protect our lives, minds and hearts from the pain of losing them?" My memory then recalls a little saying "Life is a struggle." I sit here and wonder in the late hours, "What happens when that person goes on? What happens to us, when they pass away?"

I will let you take a look into my life. The setting for this little glimpse is this: I have lost Krysta, a little girl who I could call my own daughter; Steven, my very own brother; and Marion, a good friend. I invite you into my life with open arms and I do not mind doing this. Remember there is no pride amongst friends. If you are reading this, that means you are a friend. I apologize if I lose my train of thought, but it was not pleasant to live through again.

You stand in the cloaking darkness and feeling it wrapping around your body. The soul within you is like that darkness. It is very dark, morbid and without the light that usually shines from it . Your life, heart and soul have been torn asunder. The pain rushes through your body like a whirlwind of destruction. The recent deaths in your life have left you broken and weak. Your feet, heavy from your loss, press deeply into the ground. Your eyes search the heavens for answers and find none. The rumbling of thunder echoes around you, and the roar is just like the anger coursing under your skin. A small aspect of your mind compares it to the roar of the bloodthirsty crowd in the Roman Coliseum, but you know it is not that. The wind starts to increase and rush around you. It caresses your body and slides across your skin gently. The rustle of the trees is running though the air and the wind starts to pick up. You look up into the sky and see how very dark and unforgiving it appears.

The harsh and unforgiving nature of the weather and the torment that it can unleash surrounds your body like a mother to her son. Slowly your eyes close and looking back through your life. The faces and memories run clearly through your mind, of all of your friends and loved ones who have died. The memory of her smile, his laugher, her love or your joy. The tears start to come down on your face. You wonder, "Was all this pain, anguish, sorrow and anger worth it?" Are your tears worth the price you are paying?"

Your tear-filled eyes raise themselves to the heavens and look into those dark skies, tears running down your face in a gentle river across your skin. Your lips taste the salt of your tears as they flow softly to the earth, drawn out by the pain of losing someone dear. The tears carress your face as you look into the heavens and wonder, "Is there a God and should I blame Him?" Asking yourself, "Should blame something within my life and it caused your death?" The agony of your loss burrowing itself within your soul and the cold grip of grief paralyzes you. Your teary eyes gazing up into the heavens as you wonder, "Why did it have to be him or her? Why did I think I had that next day?" Tomorrow is promised to no-one, yet standing here I still wish for that tomorrow or that chance to say goodbye one last time.

The tears flow down to the ground and questions rush through your mind, "Why did I wait? Why did I not look into your eyes and tell you I loved having you in my life? Why did I let pride into our relationship? Did you know I loved having you in my life or did you want me to say it?" The questions rush through your mind like a speeding train. You feel a certain honor to have known this person. You will always remember that they brought out the best in your life. You gaze into the heavens into the dark heavens and wonder, "Was all this pain worth it?" You taste the salt of the tears on your lips and it answers that question. The tears you shed are their tears. They represent the times of joy and sadness, life and death, the times you shared, the memory of his smile or her laugh. A low roar crashes through the heavens and slowly the rain starts to fall. You wonder just one thing, "Are those your tears meeting mine?"

The rain falls slowly from the sky and you close your eyes. The memory of their voice, their chuckle or that light that shined behind their eyes runs through your mind. You remember the memory of their anger and love. The love for your friend hurts, but you would not let it go. Raising your eyes to the sky and wonder, "Of all the people in the whole world, why did it have to be you? Why was it your moment? Why did I not have that last chance to say good bye? Why did you die and why do I still live? Why are you no longer by my side or in my life? Why did I only get to say good bye to a cold and empty body? Why can I not feel the warmth of your hand again? Why was it your time?" The anger within threatens to boil over from your confusion. The liquid fire runs through your soul. The sound of your voice echoes around the heavens and you scream "Why did you have to die and these fools and idiots live? Why is the world so cruel and unjust that you were taken from it?" The roar of the thunder does not mask your scream of hatred and anger at fate. Your throat hurts from the screams and the roar of the thunder almost deafens you. Your eyes move to the heavens and screaming out "If there is a God in Heaven, then come down here and tell me why You took my friend away. Why did You take something I loved out of my life? What did they do to deserve death? Why don't You come down here and show me some of Your divine wisdom?" Your throat is wracked with pain from the screams. The rain falls slowly in waves. It soaks your clothes and covers the ground in a second skin. You ask yourself again, "Why?" A calm peace enters your mind and a little thought runs with it, "Life has to find a way to teach you to hold close to your friends and family. It has to show you that may be the last time you see them or for them to see you."

Your voice falls silent from hearing this and sighing. The pain flows through you and standing there. The storm surrounds and runs within you. You look into the sky and see the bleakness of it. The rain comes down in sheets and you wonder once again, "Are those your tears meeting mine?" The feeling helplessness from loss of that person and from not being able to help your friend. Your life has always been filled with that fear of the unknown. You start to wonder, "Who will be next? When will time come for that friend or brother? When will time take away that sister or mother? When will your time come?"

You gaze into the sky and think, "Do you hate this? Did you hate being torn away from me? Did you hate that it was your time? Do you hate the pain I am feeling? Do you miss me as much as I miss you?" You feel the rain slowing down as you stand there. The strength within your body is gone and the thunder roars in the background. A thought runs through your mind and the anger of your loss disappears like shadows in a dark room when a light is turned on. "Please do not live by anger or the hate you have. Do not live hating my loss in your life, but live by the love you had for me. Please go through your life remembering me and never forgetting what I meant to you." Your head slowly lowers. The strength leaves your body and dropping to your knees. The clothing covering your knees is soaked through. All that is prideful is gone as you kneel on the ground. The storm's rage increases around you. The rain and wind pick up as you howl out your rage. The roar of the thunder follows your agonized scream and it follows with it the pain from your loss. Your hair stands on its end from the electricity of the lightening that strikes the ground relentlessly.

I sense that you can hear and feel me in the heavens. Fighting to live and not forget person as you struggle to save your own life. The thunder becomes their voice crying out, "I am sorry we are not together anymore!" The lightening strikes the ground around you and feeling it crashing into the ground. The trees take nature's wrath as they are blown apart. The thunder roars through the heavens as the rain runs from the sky in rivers. You imagine the lightening is your touch and see it get closer. You want to touch your friend, but know you kill them if you do. Your voice is the thunder and it roars at your frustration. Your touch is no longer kind, forgiving or patient, but cruel and destructive. The storm rages around you. Your anger punishes the ground that you are now buried under. The lightening strikes over and over as it crashes out of the heavens. The loss is almost too much for the both of you. Your arms wrap around your body and holding yourself. Your body rocks as you cry. The tears run down your face and kneeling there. You wonder, "Was it worth it?" The tears flow gently down your face. You shed them for your heart and the pain it is in. They symbolize all the times now gone past, the long talks, the passion between two friends, the honesty, the acceptance you felt, the love you shared, the bonding of two people, the color of your eyes, the laughter and the tears. All those tears saying to you, "It was worth it because you got to know them." The pain of your loss is great in your heart, but you would never forget them. You would never regret meeting them. You loved them so much...that is why you are under this cloaking darkness, feeling their loss.

The rain starts to slow down. You slowly look into the cold and dark clouds with tears still in your eyes. The clouds cover the sun and it reminds you how you feel. Your thoughts are still not letting any light get through. You bring your arms up and wipe the tears from your eyes. The fresh scent of rain run through the air and into your nose. The birds chirp their melodies into the air. You hear them singing their songs and the clothes cling to your body as you listen. You wonder to yourself, "Is there some sort of meaning to this?" Is this nature and them telling me that I am not alone? You imagine all that has passed on. You think they are all standing up in the heavens and looking down at you together as a family. They are also saddened by your loss. You start to lower your head back to the ground. The sorrow still too much for you and then you feel a certain warmth on your arm. Looking down and feeling the heat from the sun on your skin. The rays cover your skin as it breaks free from the heavens. You wonder if your friend is behind that light. "Is that you guiding it down on me? Does the light represent the love we had as friends?" Is your friend in the heavens telling you, "Please get up and live for me. Everything will be okay in time. I am still here, but no longer where you can see me, but you can feel me right here"? A feeling of warmth runs through your heart. The light and the thoughts it brings give you peace and you smile.

The thought of their death replays in your mind over and over. You feel the same shock as they did. You wonder if they thought of you and did you know it was your time? The thunder roars as it crashes through the heavens. The pain and loss of you in our life is to much for the both of us. You wonder, "Is the thunder your voice against this?" Is that you screaming through the heavens and howling out cause it was your time? Do you cause the sky to roar cause of the pain you are feeling? Do you hate having my heart broken? You wish this was a bad dream and you would wake up. You wonder when the pain will end. A little voice speaks to your broken heart, "When we are together again, then it will end, but 'til then remember me and I will remember you." You feel the pain and agony in your body, and it runs within your body like a burning fire. Getting to your feet slowly, you look into the heavens. The corners of your mouth turn and smiling as you remember your friend. You love the thoughts running through it, and they remind you of him or her. You feel them in your heart and draw strength from that. You slowly start to walk away. The rain is still pouring down and the thunder roars in the background. You get to the steps of your house and stop. You turn around looking at the ground. You see the rain covering it and you still wonder, "Are those your tears?" Are we together again under this ground? Do your tears and mine mix together somewhere?" You slowly turn and open the door. Entering your house and shiver as you take one step at a time. You feel your friend right along with you. The strength within you is gone, but your heart and soul still there. You know deep in your heart that they will be right there with you till your time comes.

Well, I have been working on this paper for many weeks now and wondering one thing, "Can there be an ending?" Sadly, yes, there can be...and lets make it an ending that gives us the strength to carry on

These days I walk through my life and my steps move across the ground in a measured pace. The sun shines down from above and the heat and light surrounds me. The wind caresses my body and I still feel the loss of you deep in my heart. I slowly move my head and start to look into the blue and cloud covered sky. The raw beauty of nature runs into my eyes. The sun's light shines down to the ground and the melodies of the birds flow through the still air. I see that life still goes on, even when you are no longer at my side or in my life. The reminder of your loss causes my step to falter and stop from the fear of losing someone like you again. I stand on the ground and watch the beauty of nature surround me. I wonder to myself, "Why was it your time and not someone else? Why did it have to be you?" My head bends down as I ponder this and look at the ground. A thought inside of me says, "It had to happen." I wanted to finally look through your eyes and to hear your thoughts. I wanted to stay in that heart which I love very much. I wanted to be with you through life and to be by your side always. The love of our friendship never ended. I am still here and always will be in your heart. It is me that shines down on you. The wind touches you because I am guiding it. I will always be here and you will never be alone." The corners of my mouth move into a smile. I know people are born and die everyday. We are only here for brief moment in time. It is the flesh that dies. A shell covering that brother, sister, mother, father or that friend and loved one--but not what that person meant to you, the way your life was enriched with them in it. It is only a covering and nothing more. The light shines down on me. I remember all those old friends who are not in my life anymore and the times when I carried their physical shell in that coffin. I remember all the tears, as they ran down my face and taste them on my lips. I wonder," Is this the end?" I remember the days when I would sit in my room and wonder what death was like. The times when I wanted to die because I missed you in my life and wanted to be with you. The days and nights passed by when I hated not having you there and the times and the laughter we shared as friends now gone forever. The memories run through my head, the time you blew coffee out of your nose because of a joke of mine, on hearing your chuckle or seeing your on my screen. The night we felt kinship between the four of us and were able to meet a new friend. The memories are very clear as if they happened yesterday. I wonder, when we will do it again? It is because of those times and the remembrance of them. It is the single reason I wrote this.

I watch people through my life. I see them in their physical bodies and on the Internet. I pay close attention to the way they interact with each other. I see them love and hate, like or dislike, and judge or get judged by another. I wonder why they do all these things? Why do they find it easier to hate and not love? Why do you judge a person and not accept them? Why do you waste time bringing people down? Why do you not cherish the time you have? Why do they think you have that tomorrow? Why is it that everyone so quick to look down rather than look up? Why do people think negative about other people? Isn't life tough enough? Why do you think you are guaranteed tomorrow?

I look back in my life and see all the friends and family who are gone from it. I am sure the most human of us do that. They have that friend, loved one, brother, sister or that mother or father. They had someone in their life that gave them a smile or peace, or love or a certain acceptance. Sometimes we stop in our lives and look back only to see that person is no longer with us. We hate that we cannot have them in our life and it hurts us. So because of that pain, we choose to bring someone else down. Please ask yourself one question. Why? Does it make you feel better about yourself or is there another reason? I finally get it. I am only twenty-seven years old and it is not the time you spend away from someone that matters. No, it doesn't. It is the time you spend with someone because it may be that last time.

Let us look at it in this point of view. Are you ready? Well you die today. You have gone and had a brain aneurysm or gotten struck by a car. Your death was not foreseen. It was unexpected and sudden. Let me ask you some questions about what happens afterwards. Do you want someone to hate you? Do you want someone to still dislike you? Do you cherish that judgment or put-down that much? Do you love hurting people that much? Is it hard for you to treat others with kindness, respect and friendship? Is it impossible for you to be nice to someone else? Is it easier to hate than to love? It is very easy to bring people down, to insult and judge people. It is your choice to do that in your life. It is their choice that when you die. They won't remember you and you would have never existed because of it. You will be their symbol for hate and disdain. Would you like someone to remember you like that?

There is a better way. The way is very simple and hard, but the rewards are greater. You can forgive and not seek vengeance. You can choose to embrace peace in your life and not war. You can lift up and not put down. You can accept a person for who and what they are rather than judge them. You can be someone that cares and not someone to hate. You can be a person that people come to. You can be that hand on the shoulder. You can be the person whose chuckle brings joy. You can be that friend to someone and everyone. There are very few people who will not accept you in their lives. They will come to you in time. I went to the cemetery before I started to write this. I looked around and saw people come and go in that cemetery. I watched them spend hours and they would stand at that memorial or internment of the body. They would be there and they would share. They would sit in their cars or get out of them. People would come and shed tears and some would try to be like strong statues. Then I would look around and see some who write.

I would stand near my brother's grave and see his plaque. I look at it and see something. I slowly squat on the ground and looking closer at the plaque. I see "Born June 14, 1976 - Died December 20, 2000. I remember a poem that was found by my mother called "The Dash." It speaks about that little dash in between a person's birth and death dates. I always wondered what that meant to that person. What does it mean to you? What does it mean to the people you meet? What does it mean to that mother or father? What did it mean to that brother or sister? What does it mean to that friend? What did it mean to that loved one? What have you done with that dash? Did you spend it helping or hurting others? Have you used it and think you had that tomorrow? Did you say to yourself, "I will hurt them today and make up with them tomorrow"? Did you carry judgment and hate inside of you? I watch the news and I see that every night. You want to know what hate is? The date September 11th is one of hate. It is when a few people crashed a few planes into a few buildings. I want you to see that for what represents, and that is hate. Do you want to be someone like that? Do you enjoy doing that? I see people fighting over beliefs. I watch them lash out at each other in anger and killing one another. Do you want to be one of those people? Can you honestly say you want that dash to symbolize an era of hate, anger, judgment and resentment? Is it worth it? Is hate something you want to have represent your entire life? Do you want people to hate you after you are gone? Do you want that dash to symbolize that? Well is it worth it?

At this beginning of this day, I ask you this, "Is that the way you want to live? Is that how you want to be remembered? Do you want people to hate you?" Your answer is most likely "No." I know the way is tough. It is sometimes impossible and you are probably thinking the same thing. You want to not even try, but remember what I said at the beginning. You will come upon many struggles in life. It is through these struggles that life teaches you things and you will learn that everything and everyone finds a way to go on. I ask you as one person to another. I ask you to struggle not for yourself, but for others. I ask you not to hate or pass judgment. I ask you to live for other people and not for yourself. Go through life and remember everyone who is not there. Please walk through life lifting up and not putting down. Become that friend in a person's life. Be something that people love rather than hate. Be someone that lifts up rather than puts down. Don't wait for tomorrow. You may not have that next day. So why wait for it? When you wake up that next day and you open your eyes, look at your ceiling and give thanks for having that day. I know a lot of people these days that do not have that opportunity. When you go outside, I want you to look up into the sky and give thanks to that friend. Thank them for being in your life for that brief moment. Thank them for giving you that comfort. Thank them by caring for others. Honor your friendship with them by helping others. When you are tired and hurt, please know that they are right there with you. Let them lift you up and carry you through your life. Remember one day you will be brought together with that friend or family member. You will be together with those who you remember. So go and seek someone to remember you. Do not have them remember your judgment or hate. Let them cherish and honor you because of your love. Life begins again after that. When that person in your life that you called a friend, when they are right there and they are looking into the heavens, when they remember your laughter or your tears and they wonder, "Are you looking at them?"

I leave you now. I will go and live out the rest of my days. I still see people passing me by and I wonder, "How did they spend that dash?" How are you going to spend yours now? Are you going to remember or forget those people that have died? Are you going to lose yourself cause of their loss? Are you going to hate or love? Are you going to struggle through life or make people struggle? The choice is yours to make, but is it really a choice? I wish you the best of luck in whatever path you choose.

(c)2001 Michael McCray